Over the next several days, I will be providing tips to parents of LGBT who are struggling with the news of their child’s sexual orientation. The purpose of these blogs is to encourage and share how you can effectively do three things: Love, Reconcile, and Restore your relationship with your child.
The topics are as follows.
1. Listen Empathetically
2. Control Your Emotions and Body Language
3. Don’t Blame Yourself or Your Child
4. Take Time to Process What You’ve Heard
5. Monitor Yourself
6. Get Professional Help if Needed
7. Join a Support Group
8. Love – Reconcile – Restore
1. Listen Empathetically
One of the most challenging things you can do upon hearing any shocking, hurtful, and disturbing news is remain calm and listen for the purpose of understanding, rather than judging. When hurt or shocked by unexpected news or events, the first reaction may be to strike back with harsh words or actions that may leave both of you angrier, frustrated, and damaged. Therefore, resist the temptation of lashing out with your words or taking swift action such as putting your child out of your home, cutting them off from finances or other methods you may use to control their behaviors. Listen to what is being shared with you from the perspective of ONLY wanting to gain an understanding of “what” is being said to you, not “why”. Ask open-ended questions to gain more information and check for understanding as your child is speaking. For example, you may say, “What I’m understanding you tell me is….” Resist saying, “Why are you doing this to me!”
2. Control Your Emotions and Body Language
According to Franklin Covey (2005) only 7% of the words we say denote what we actually feel. Fifty-five percent of communication is reflected through body language and 38% is revealed in how we say our words including the tone of voice and style used. Therefore, it is highly important that your words, tone, and body language match the words you speak. Most likely, your child knows you well enough to detect any negativity in these three areas of communication. Should you display hostile body language or voice tone while hearing them out, immediately explain your emotions and ask for some time to process what you’ve heard. For example, you may say, “I know that I sound upset right now because I wasn’t prepared to hear this, but know that I love you. I will need some time to process this before saying anything more OK.”
3. Don’t Blame Yourself or Your Child
Upon learning of your child’s sexual orientation, one of the first things you may be tempted to do is blame yourself or your child. Your mind may start playing out “IF” scenarios such as:
– If I hadn’t divorced his father / mother, then this would not have happened
– If we had spent more time together then…
– If he hadn’t been sexually abused by….
– If she had more friends ….
Stop! Realize that reason that your child is gay is not something that should be attributed to a specific event or feeling. Your mind is looking for answers as to why you are coming up with the ifs in the first place. This is why it is so important to empathetically listen to your child to get a better understanding from their point of view. Yes, what you hear may be hurtful, disappointing, and at the time, you may not understand how you’re going to recover from the news, but having the desire to love, reconcile, and restore your relationship should be top priority in your conversations and actions with your child.
Resources:
Covey, F. (2005) The 7 habits of highly effective people. http://www.FranklinCovey.com.